She's not yours

Seriously, I'm still figuring it out.

She’s not for me

She’s vain, self-absorbed, selfish, kind of mean, flirtatious, teasing, funny and sexy. And I think I want her. Its possible I’ve always wanted her.

Oh and she’s straight.

We’ve been friends for years. She was the one person I didn’t like in our friendship circle. She was different from the rest. She was the one who didn’t really care about hurting people’s feelings. Even though she was obsessed with what people thought of her, or actually of what boys thought of her. She clearly relished in making each one of them want her. She always had this disinterested presence in our group, like there is something else out there that could better entertain her than us. And the one who picked up on this ended up almost feeling special when she then chose a someone to be her momentary object of interest.

So one summer I became that as mentioned above object of interest, and silly me felt pretty damn special. I spent more time with her than the others that summer and stupidly felt like I knew her better than the others knew her.

She’s kind of a replica of Alisson from Pretty Little Liars and I guess I’m foolish little Emily. (Which wouldn’t suck so bad if only I was as insanely and breathtakingly gorgeous as the actress Shay Mitchell who plays her).

Her conceitedness and selfishness became a bit of a blur to me after I became a bit distracted by her sudden beauty which I never thought to indulge in before. Its like she became funnier and sexier the more I got to know her. And her flirtatiousness was not only limited to the poor boys. I swear her presence oozed some kind of allure (But this could be a biased observation). I didn’t know what to think, but I knew I wanted to be with her more and more. She had this indescribable tease and I had this inexplicable attraction to her.

Her time became precious to me, I got excited whenever she called or texted. Even just hugging her in greeting were moments that I began to savour. I had a crush on her without knowing how this is possible. And she picked up on it before I did. Eventually she became less and less available.

There was a definite drift. I missed her and she had other interests.

I began convincing myself that what I felt needs to be done with. I countered my attraction to her by focusing on the things I don’t like about her, which was easy, and soon enough I settled back into the frame of mind of not liking her. And I needed her to not think that I ever liked her.

All was well, until one drunken night with moments of lost memory and eventual regret. The two of us got split from my other friend, and I have no recollection of what happened during that separation. I have snippets of memories from the drive home at which time she was extremely amused at my behaviour whilst dropping comments of my bisexuality and liking of girls…

After that night the tease began again, we never ever spoke of the bisexual statement, and I more than ever became as straight as can be around her. I have no idea what I did that night for her to think that I’m bisexual so I was going to be straight up in denial. Every tease moment was countered with a smart back up response from my side. And I became the one ditching her.

So after that we’ve been distant for a while. And now recently she got in contact again. She mentioned that she misses me.

At this point I have already come out to most of my close friends. I refuse to come out to her… She is the one friend who picked up on my secret; she is the one friend who I’ve been attracted to; and she is the one friend I trust the least to keep my secret closeted. Not to mention, she’s definitely going to have a “I knew it” and “You think I’m hot, don’t you” comment and tease me for the rest of my life. The idea of telling her scares the shit out of me.

But she misses me.

After being in touch I have slightly fallen again. It must be her voice. But no, I know her game. And this is an impossible situation. I am way too grown and sure of myself to get drawn into something so hopeless. But I could approach this differently. I could tell her. And I could admit to her that I do think she’s hot. I could use this and make myself become the tease... This could be a power card for me. I mean I know I’m cute. Fine, a straight girl probably wouldn’t want to jump me as much as a straight man, but I think its just about opening her mind. Once there is a little sliver of temptation, my mission is completed and vengeance is mine. I just need to be strong enough not to fall.

Wow so this is what I’ve become…

Wanting me, wanting her.

I’m quite new to this liking girls thing. I’ve only recently come out to my close friends, who are all pretty much convinced that this is a phase. The only way we can know for sure whether I am lesbian or bisexual is if I hook up with a girl.

Even during my straight years I have been very wary to hooking up with boys, because of my ‘religious convictions’. So when it comes to hooking up in my books it consists pretty much of making out and not allowing it to go further than third base. I made a promise to myself to remain celibate until marriage (my boundaries probably weren’t very wise though). I use my religion as a reason for my limits, however, when it comes to sex there definitely are other factors that contribute to my celibacy decision. One reason is that the idea of having sex with a man does not excite me. I’m all for making out, I like the intimacy, a strong body pulling me close against him, his hunger for my body, feeling his obvious excitement, I do get turned on by it all. But the thought of actually having him inside of me takes my excitement away. The thought of pleasing him with my mouth and hands just grosses me out. It always has.

The guy I was seeing during my ‘epiphany of wanting women’, was actually the person who knew and cared for me the most and the person I felt most comfortable with to share the deepest secrets of myself (well, excluding my lesbian secret). We became very attached to each other, he was the most gentleman-like man I knew and my best friend. He made a point at making me feel like a woman, really wanting to know my inner thoughts, fears and desires. He treated me with amazing respect and set a standard that I don’t believe any man could surpass. I knew he wanted me, and I gave bits of myself to him. The way he touched my body, the soft strokes on my skin, the intensity of his kisses on my lips, my neck, my throat. His desire for me made me drunk. We both established early on in our relationship that going all the way is a no-go. He knew that I will not be initiating things, as part of my ‘celibacy’ decision. But that did not stop him from trying to please me physically in every other possible way (without using his penis that is). Our ‘love-making’ consisted of him eating me out three or four times a night. Needless to say, celibacy was no longer a true pursuit for me. However, according to his reasoning, I could still claim the celibate status because we weren’t really using his penis. (Insert feminist comment on penis as prerequisite for defining/establishing ‘real sex’).

Near the end of our relationship and near my acceptance of having lesbian feelings things changed slightly for me. I began noticing that my replay of our moments in bed felt much nicer to me when replacing the big shoulders, big arms and hairy legs with a smoother and smaller frame. Replacing the face with a hairless jaw and the head with longer flowing hair. I wanted a woman. I wanted to taste the soft skin of her throat, her belly, her thighs. I wanted to trace the curves of her waist, her back, her hips.

Half a year after we ended things between us I revealed to him my feelings for women. He told me to pursue it.

So now I need to deal with the actual and new reality of possibly having feelings for my straight female friend…

Exposed

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Recently I have made it known to two of my closest friends about my ‘secret’ attraction to women. They are Christian friends with the biblical belief and understanding that homosexuality is a sin and something to be resisted. The response I received differed slightly from what I expected.

At first amusement, and then it was disbelief and denial that what I have just revealed is not what I am actually experiencing but instead is a feeling that most women have some time in their life, that it is fleeting and that these attractions will pass eventually. After repeatedly declaring that I have dealt with this feeling for quite a while, though only accepting it now for what it is, the reply I received from my friend was one of “I’ve been there”.

On another day when I decided to open up to my other friend, I immediately backed up my confession with an assurance and acceptance that what I have just revealed is a part of me that I have lived with for a while. When she was finally given a chance to respond she just smiled.

I went away from these conversations with the knowledge that my friends both have had their own secret intimate encounters with women. Encounters which went way beyond what I allowed myself to experience. I haven’t yet acted on any of my feelings and to hear that they have, kind of made my closeted self sound trivial. Neither considers herself lesbian or bisexual, they basically see their encounters as “a brief lesbian moment”. I was slightly offended and I felt as if to defend my own queerness by trying to undermining their experiences in order to be seen as the ‘real deal’ instead of a curious straight girl. I wanted to prove to them that what I am experiencing is way more intense and is an actual long-term situation, while inside my head it seemed like my two friends might be more gay than me. I mean I have had a few crushes which I kept unawares from my crushes, but these two girls actually had real ‘moments’ with actual women.

Recently I made a comment to the one friend about how incredibly distracting it is with all these beautiful women in this building, and she asked me “Why?”. Two seconds later she looked at me and said “Oh I completely forgot that your supposed to be into girls!”

I thought that revealing this part of myself will completely change the way people look at me. I was expecting someone to try and ‘pray away my gay’. To be seen as different and unique. And possibly to be judged a little bit. But I feel like I got just out-shined in lesbianism by my two friends.

I still have a lot of thoughts to think and a lot of questions to ask. I’m not so sure how I feel about my friends’ response but so far I am much more comfortable having them know about my ‘not-so-unique’ feelings.

Her attraction.

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To start off, I can approach this from two different perspectives:

1. My current fluid, liberal attitude;

Or

2. My ingrained spiritual viewpoint.

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