She’s vain, self-absorbed, selfish, kind of mean, flirtatious, teasing, funny and sexy. And I think I want her. Its possible I’ve always wanted her.
Oh and she’s straight.
We’ve been friends for years. She was the one person I didn’t like in our friendship circle. She was different from the rest. She was the one who didn’t really care about hurting people’s feelings. Even though she was obsessed with what people thought of her, or actually of what boys thought of her. She clearly relished in making each one of them want her. She always had this disinterested presence in our group, like there is something else out there that could better entertain her than us. And the one who picked up on this ended up almost feeling special when she then chose a someone to be her momentary object of interest.
So one summer I became that as mentioned above object of interest, and silly me felt pretty damn special. I spent more time with her than the others that summer and stupidly felt like I knew her better than the others knew her.
She’s kind of a replica of Alisson from Pretty Little Liars and I guess I’m foolish little Emily. (Which wouldn’t suck so bad if only I was as insanely and breathtakingly gorgeous as the actress Shay Mitchell who plays her).
Her conceitedness and selfishness became a bit of a blur to me after I became a bit distracted by her sudden beauty which I never thought to indulge in before. Its like she became funnier and sexier the more I got to know her. And her flirtatiousness was not only limited to the poor boys. I swear her presence oozed some kind of allure (But this could be a biased observation). I didn’t know what to think, but I knew I wanted to be with her more and more. She had this indescribable tease and I had this inexplicable attraction to her.
Her time became precious to me, I got excited whenever she called or texted. Even just hugging her in greeting were moments that I began to savour. I had a crush on her without knowing how this is possible. And she picked up on it before I did. Eventually she became less and less available.
There was a definite drift. I missed her and she had other interests.
I began convincing myself that what I felt needs to be done with. I countered my attraction to her by focusing on the things I don’t like about her, which was easy, and soon enough I settled back into the frame of mind of not liking her. And I needed her to not think that I ever liked her.
All was well, until one drunken night with moments of lost memory and eventual regret. The two of us got split from my other friend, and I have no recollection of what happened during that separation. I have snippets of memories from the drive home at which time she was extremely amused at my behaviour whilst dropping comments of my bisexuality and liking of girls…
After that night the tease began again, we never ever spoke of the bisexual statement, and I more than ever became as straight as can be around her. I have no idea what I did that night for her to think that I’m bisexual so I was going to be straight up in denial. Every tease moment was countered with a smart back up response from my side. And I became the one ditching her.
So after that we’ve been distant for a while. And now recently she got in contact again. She mentioned that she misses me.
At this point I have already come out to most of my close friends. I refuse to come out to her… She is the one friend who picked up on my secret; she is the one friend who I’ve been attracted to; and she is the one friend I trust the least to keep my secret closeted. Not to mention, she’s definitely going to have a “I knew it” and “You think I’m hot, don’t you” comment and tease me for the rest of my life. The idea of telling her scares the shit out of me.
But she misses me.
After being in touch I have slightly fallen again. It must be her voice. But no, I know her game. And this is an impossible situation. I am way too grown and sure of myself to get drawn into something so hopeless. But I could approach this differently. I could tell her. And I could admit to her that I do think she’s hot. I could use this and make myself become the tease... This could be a power card for me. I mean I know I’m cute. Fine, a straight girl probably wouldn’t want to jump me as much as a straight man, but I think its just about opening her mind. Once there is a little sliver of temptation, my mission is completed and vengeance is mine. I just need to be strong enough not to fall.
Wow so this is what I’ve become…